The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "South Carolina." "Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's
attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance. "
The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are
certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
Surgeons
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable. "
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable. "
Talk conversation between NRI husband and his wife.
Dear Sweetheart:
I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses.
You are my sweetheart
Your husband
XYZ
His wife replied back after some days to her husband:
Dearest sweetheart,
Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses
instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him
some other items...........
5. Other expenses 40 kisses .
Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I
hope I can complete the month using this balance.
Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise !!!
Your Sweet Heart
ABC
I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses.
You are my sweetheart
Your husband
XYZ
His wife replied back after some days to her husband:
Dearest sweetheart,
Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses
instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him
some other items...........
5. Other expenses 40 kisses .
Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I
hope I can complete the month using this balance.
Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise !!!
Your Sweet Heart
ABC
Oh, Those Darn Lawyers
Two lawyers, Jon and Mike, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Mike a $50 bet. Mike agrees and they're off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Mike is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
''Help me find my ball. Look over there,'' he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Mike secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. ''I've found my ball!'' he announces.
''After all of the years we've been partners and playing together," Jon says, "you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?''
''What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!''
''And you're a liar, too!'' Jon says. ''I'll have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!''
''Help me find my ball. Look over there,'' he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Mike secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. ''I've found my ball!'' he announces.
''After all of the years we've been partners and playing together," Jon says, "you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?''
''What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!''
''And you're a liar, too!'' Jon says. ''I'll have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!''
Intelligent Sardar :)
Bobby returns from his first day at school and immediately questions his father.
"Dad, today we had a Spelling Class - All the other kids could only say half the alphabet, but I knew the whole thing. Is that because I am a Sardar?"
"No son, that's because you are intelligent."
Bobby seeming content with the answer, asks his father another question, "Dad, today we had Math class - All the other kids could only count from 1-10, I could count from 1 to 20. Is this because I am a Sardar ??"
"No , that's because you are intelligent," replies his father.
Happy with the answer, Bobby poses another question to his father. "Dad, today we had Medical Examination, all the other boys were shorter than me, I was at least twice their height. Is that because I am a Sardar?"
The father replies, "No son, that's because you are 31 years old."
"Dad, today we had a Spelling Class - All the other kids could only say half the alphabet, but I knew the whole thing. Is that because I am a Sardar?"
"No son, that's because you are intelligent."
Bobby seeming content with the answer, asks his father another question, "Dad, today we had Math class - All the other kids could only count from 1-10, I could count from 1 to 20. Is this because I am a Sardar ??"
"No , that's because you are intelligent," replies his father.
Happy with the answer, Bobby poses another question to his father. "Dad, today we had Medical Examination, all the other boys were shorter than me, I was at least twice their height. Is that because I am a Sardar?"
The father replies, "No son, that's because you are 31 years old."
Pa Won't Like It ..
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."
Hooker !!!
A married couple are lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth anniversary when the wife says, “Darling, as this is such a special occasion I think that it is time I made a confession…. Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years.”
The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife’s eyes and says, “My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, and I cannot hold your past against you. In fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit!”
She said, “I don’t think you understand, my name was Brian and I played rugby for Auckland Blues.”
The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife’s eyes and says, “My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, and I cannot hold your past against you. In fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit!”
She said, “I don’t think you understand, my name was Brian and I played rugby for Auckland Blues.”
Top 10 Snappy Comebacks To "Why Aren't You Married Yet"
10. You haven't asked yet.
09. What? And spoil my great sex life?
08. Just lucky, I guess.
07. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
06. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
05. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
04. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
03. We really want to, but my lover's husband just won't go for it.
02. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
01. Why aren't you thin?
09. What? And spoil my great sex life?
08. Just lucky, I guess.
07. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
06. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
05. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
04. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
03. We really want to, but my lover's husband just won't go for it.
02. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
01. Why aren't you thin?
10 Humorous Definations!
Women: Person who thinks more with their heart than with their head.
Experience: What you will get while looking for something else.
Zoo: A place advice for animals to study the habits of human beings.
Adam: The only man in the world who couldn't say," Pardon me, haven't I seen you before?"
Dentist: A person who extracts both your teeth and money.
Bald: When one has less hair to comb and more face to wash.
Death: Stop sinning suddenly.
Neighbour: A person who is out of something.
Smile: A small curve that solve big problems.
Kitchen: Final laboratory of housewife.
Experience: What you will get while looking for something else.
Zoo: A place advice for animals to study the habits of human beings.
Adam: The only man in the world who couldn't say," Pardon me, haven't I seen you before?"
Dentist: A person who extracts both your teeth and money.
Bald: When one has less hair to comb and more face to wash.
Death: Stop sinning suddenly.
Neighbour: A person who is out of something.
Smile: A small curve that solve big problems.
Kitchen: Final laboratory of housewife.
Sardar Kidnapping a Kid!!
There was a Sardarji who was down on his luck.
In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a
kid and hold him for ransom.
He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him
behind a tree,
and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
Sardarji then wrote a note saying:
"I've kidnapped your kid.
Tomorrow morning, put Rs.2,00,000 in a paper bag
and put it beneath the mango tree on the north side
of the city
playground".
Signed: "A Sardarji".
Sardarji then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and
sent him home to
show it to his parents.
The next morning the Sardarji checked, and sure
enough a paper bag was kept beneath the mango tree.The boy was sitting next
to the bag. Sardarji opened up the bag and found the Rs.2,00,000 in cash
with a note saying:
"How can a sardarji do this to a fellow Sardarji?
Take the money, and Please leave my son."
In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a
kid and hold him for ransom.
He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him
behind a tree,
and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
Sardarji then wrote a note saying:
"I've kidnapped your kid.
Tomorrow morning, put Rs.2,00,000 in a paper bag
and put it beneath the mango tree on the north side
of the city
playground".
Signed: "A Sardarji".
Sardarji then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and
sent him home to
show it to his parents.
The next morning the Sardarji checked, and sure
enough a paper bag was kept beneath the mango tree.The boy was sitting next
to the bag. Sardarji opened up the bag and found the Rs.2,00,000 in cash
with a note saying:
"How can a sardarji do this to a fellow Sardarji?
Take the money, and Please leave my son."
Whats my age ?
Teacher: (1)There is a frog, (2)Ship is sinking, (3)potatoes cost Rs 3/kg. Then,
what is my age?
STUDENT: 32 yrs.
Teacher: How do you know?
STUDENT: Well, my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.
what is my age?
STUDENT: 32 yrs.
Teacher: How do you know?
STUDENT: Well, my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.
EXAM >>
A gorgeous girl walks up 2 a a professor's cabin and says I will do anything 2 pass in the exam.
Professor: anything ! ?
Girl: ya
Prof: open your books and study.
Professor: anything ! ?
Girl: ya
Prof: open your books and study.
Suicide !!!
2 Lovers plan to suicide.
Boy jumped first, Girl closed her eyes & return back saying love is blind.
Boy in air opened his parachute saying love never dies.
Boy jumped first, Girl closed her eyes & return back saying love is blind.
Boy in air opened his parachute saying love never dies.
Beauty Parlourr :)
# Seen on a famous beauty parlor:
Don't whistle at the girl going out from here. She may be your
grandmother!
Don't whistle at the girl going out from here. She may be your
grandmother!
Success n Relative
# Seen on a bulletin board:
Success is relative. More the success, more the relatives.
Success is relative. More the success, more the relatives.
God n Terrorist
Its God's responsibility to forgive the terrorist organizations.
It's our responsibility to arrange the meeting between them and god."
It's our responsibility to arrange the meeting between them and god."
Stupidity !!
Q: What is the Extreme height of stupidity?
Answer: Two stupids Sitting in a Auto and fighting for corner seat!!!
Answer: Two stupids Sitting in a Auto and fighting for corner seat!!!
Funny
Dad : Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son : Not much dad, just a radio with a sports car around it.
~~~~~~~~~
Man : my wife is too good.
She can talk on any subject for hours.
Friend : Ahh!!! My wife is better,
She does not even need a subject to talk about.
Son : Not much dad, just a radio with a sports car around it.
~~~~~~~~~
Man : my wife is too good.
She can talk on any subject for hours.
Friend : Ahh!!! My wife is better,
She does not even need a subject to talk about.
Kiss
Never kiss police woman.
She will say Stop and hands up.
Never kiss nurse.She will say next.
Always kiss ur teacher.
She will say repeat it 5 times.
SARDAR DETECTIVE !!!
A policeman was testing 3 Singh brothers who were training to become
detectives.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the
first Singh a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. 'This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?'
The first Singh answers, 'That's
easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!' The policeman
says, 'Well...uh.. .that's because the picture I showed is his side profile.'
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for
5 seconds at the second Singh and asks him, 'This is your suspect, how
would you recognize him?'
The second Singh smiles and says, 'Ha! He'd be too easy
to catch because he only has one ear!' The policeman angrily responds,
'What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are
showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer
you can come up with?'
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third Singh
and in a very testy voice asks, 'This is your suspect, how would you
recognize him?
He quickly adds, 'Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.' The Singh
looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, 'The suspect wears
contact lenses.' The policeman is surprised and speechless because he
really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. 'Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that.' He leaves the room and goes to his office,checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
'Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact
lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation? '
'That's easy,' the Singh replied. 'He can't wear regular glasses because he
only has one eye and one ear.'
detectives.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the
first Singh a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. 'This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?'
The first Singh answers, 'That's
easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!' The policeman
says, 'Well...uh.. .that's because the picture I showed is his side profile.'
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for
5 seconds at the second Singh and asks him, 'This is your suspect, how
would you recognize him?'
The second Singh smiles and says, 'Ha! He'd be too easy
to catch because he only has one ear!' The policeman angrily responds,
'What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are
showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer
you can come up with?'
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third Singh
and in a very testy voice asks, 'This is your suspect, how would you
recognize him?
He quickly adds, 'Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.' The Singh
looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, 'The suspect wears
contact lenses.' The policeman is surprised and speechless because he
really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. 'Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that.' He leaves the room and goes to his office,checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
'Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact
lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation? '
'That's easy,' the Singh replied. 'He can't wear regular glasses because he
only has one eye and one ear.'
Mouthwash
Santa (reading from book of facts): "Do you know that every time I breathe a man dies?"
Banta: "Why don't you use a mouth wash?"
Banta: "Why don't you use a mouth wash?"
Santa and exams
Q: Why was Santa writing the exam near the door?
A: Because it was an entrance exam.
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *******
Santa: My dad was an extremely brave man. He once entered a lion's cage.
Banta: He probably got a lot of applause when he got out.
Santa: I didn't say he got out.
A: Because it was an entrance exam.
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *******
Santa: My dad was an extremely brave man. He once entered a lion's cage.
Banta: He probably got a lot of applause when he got out.
Santa: I didn't say he got out.
santa and banta
Banta: Name the 3 fastest means of communication.
Santa: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *******
Santa: I'm a proud father. My son is in medical college.
Banta: What's he studying?"
Santa: He's not studying, they are studying him!
Santa: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *******
Santa: I'm a proud father. My son is in medical college.
Banta: What's he studying?"
Santa: He's not studying, they are studying him!
Santa and Platform.
Santa standing on platform suddenly jumps on the railway track.
Banta: Santa u'll die.
Santa: U'll die bcoz haven't u heard train is coming on platform?
Banta: Santa u'll die.
Santa: U'll die bcoz haven't u heard train is coming on platform?
santa and banta
Banta: Name the 3 fastest means of communication.
Santa: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *******
Santa: I'm a proud father. My son is in medical college.
Banta: What's he studying?"
Santa: He's not studying, they are studying him!
Santa: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *******
Santa: I'm a proud father. My son is in medical college.
Banta: What's he studying?"
Santa: He's not studying, they are studying him!
Santa's Wife
Santa: I kiss my wife everyday before leaving for office, what about u?
Banta: Me too, after u leave.
Banta: Me too, after u leave.
Santa n Judge
Santa was caught for speeding and went before the judge.
The judge: What'll you take 30 days or Rs 3000.
Santa: I think I'll take the money.
The judge: What'll you take 30 days or Rs 3000.
Santa: I think I'll take the money.
Dog n Mother Tngue
Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!
--------------------------------------
Pappu, while filling up a form: Dad, what should I write against mother tongue.?
Santa: Very long!
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!
--------------------------------------
Pappu, while filling up a form: Dad, what should I write against mother tongue.?
Santa: Very long!
Santa Letter to Nurse...
Santa falls in luv with a nurse...
After much thinking,
he finally writes a love letter to her:
"I luv u sister."
After much thinking,
he finally writes a love letter to her:
"I luv u sister."
Husband n WIfe Meaning...
WHY does a man want to have a WIFE?
Because:
(W)ashing
(I)roning
(F)ood
(E)ntertainment
WHY does a woman want to have a HUSBAND?
Because:
(H)ousing
(U)nderstanding
(S)haring
(B)uying
(A)nd
(N)ever
(D)emanding
Because:
(W)ashing
(I)roning
(F)ood
(E)ntertainment
WHY does a woman want to have a HUSBAND?
Because:
(H)ousing
(U)nderstanding
(S)haring
(B)uying
(A)nd
(N)ever
(D)emanding
Suspicious Wife...
A wife suspected that her husband was having an affair with the housemaid.
She thought of a plan to take him by surprise.
One Friday she told the maid to take the day off and that night she went into the maid's room, switched off all the lights and, in pitch darkness, slipped into the bed.
Sure enough at midnight, there were footsteps and a figure opened the door and slipped into the maid's bed beside her...
After a few passionate kisses, the wife suddenly switched on the lights and asked, "Surprised?"
"I sure am, ma'am!" stammered the chauffeu r.
She thought of a plan to take him by surprise.
One Friday she told the maid to take the day off and that night she went into the maid's room, switched off all the lights and, in pitch darkness, slipped into the bed.
Sure enough at midnight, there were footsteps and a figure opened the door and slipped into the maid's bed beside her...
After a few passionate kisses, the wife suddenly switched on the lights and asked, "Surprised?"
"I sure am, ma'am!" stammered the chauffeu r.
DOCTOR !!
To address an emergency call a doctor came to see a rich patient at his home, who was screaming with extreme stomach pain and was surrounded by many anxious relatives. Doctor kicked all the relatives out of the room, closed the door with patient and he inside.
After a while he came out and asked, "Please give me a scissors." People gave him a stainless steel scissors. He again went inside, closed door and came back soon. He said, "Please give me a hammer." He got one. He repeated the routine of going inside, closing door and then coming back again for a new tool a few times.
He came outside one more time and asked, "Please give me a screw driver." With every of his requests for surgical tools the tension amongst the relatives was mounting high. The oldest son could not hold himself, broke down and lost his patience.
In a crying voice he pleaded, "Doctor please tell us what has happened to our dear Dad. Will he live? Could we open his will?"
The doctor said, "No, I don't know that yet. I am still trying to open my damn bag, I lost the key."
After a while he came out and asked, "Please give me a scissors." People gave him a stainless steel scissors. He again went inside, closed door and came back soon. He said, "Please give me a hammer." He got one. He repeated the routine of going inside, closing door and then coming back again for a new tool a few times.
He came outside one more time and asked, "Please give me a screw driver." With every of his requests for surgical tools the tension amongst the relatives was mounting high. The oldest son could not hold himself, broke down and lost his patience.
In a crying voice he pleaded, "Doctor please tell us what has happened to our dear Dad. Will he live? Could we open his will?"
The doctor said, "No, I don't know that yet. I am still trying to open my damn bag, I lost the key."
Breaking Plates!!!
mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the living room.
Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates, then complete silence.
The daughter turned to look at her father.
Daughter: It's mummy!
Father: How do you know?
Daughter: She didn't say anything.
Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates, then complete silence.
The daughter turned to look at her father.
Daughter: It's mummy!
Father: How do you know?
Daughter: She didn't say anything.
Confusing Mathematics
Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.
If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.
If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
Mather n David ....
Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum?
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.
David: Yes, mum?
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.
Mather n David ....
Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum?
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.
David: Yes, mum?
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.
Lord and Einstein !!!
Einstein climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord...
"God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
"Einstein asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Einstein asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
Looking up, he asks the Lord...
"God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
"Einstein asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Einstein asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
Banta SIngh to Bill Gates
Letter is from Banta Singh of Punjab to Mr. Bill Gates of Microsoft
Subject: Problems with my new computer
Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some
problems, which I want to bring to your notice.
1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.
2. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friends clicked 'run' he ran up to Amritsar ! So, we request you to change that to 'sit', so that we can click that by sitting.
3. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.
4. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this ' find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.
5. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?
6. I brought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'MY Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?
7. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is noteven a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.
8. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only..
9. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?
10. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God shake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.
Regards,
Banta
Subject: Problems with my new computer
Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some
problems, which I want to bring to your notice.
1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.
2. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friends clicked 'run' he ran up to Amritsar ! So, we request you to change that to 'sit', so that we can click that by sitting.
3. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.
4. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this ' find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.
5. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?
6. I brought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'MY Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?
7. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is noteven a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.
8. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only..
9. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?
10. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God shake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.
Regards,
Banta
Sardar and Animals !!!!
TEACHAR : tell me 5 water animals.
SARDAR : fish
TEACHAR : good, next 4
SARDAR : fish da puttar, fish di kudi, fish da pra aur usdi MAA.......
SARDAR : fish
TEACHAR : good, next 4
SARDAR : fish da puttar, fish di kudi, fish da pra aur usdi MAA.......
Doctors and Patients !!
Three Doctors are dicussing which types of patients they prefer.
Doctor Watson says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.''
Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.''
Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable.''
Doctor Watson says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.''
Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.''
Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable.''
More Definations
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise after death
Prayer is not a spare wheel that you pull out when YOU ARE IN TROUBLE
It is a steering wheel that keeps you on the right path throughout your life
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should dance....
Never believe what the lines of your hand predict about your future, because people who don't have hands also have a future... Believe in yourself
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise after death
Prayer is not a spare wheel that you pull out when YOU ARE IN TROUBLE
It is a steering wheel that keeps you on the right path throughout your life
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should dance....
Never believe what the lines of your hand predict about your future, because people who don't have hands also have a future... Believe in yourself
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
Definations
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Definations
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Definations
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.
Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.
Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.
Definations
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Compromise
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Lecture
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
Marriage
Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
Life Insurance
Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.
Glasses
Without u ,life is black and white
Without u ,the world is no hops no light
Without u t can't go left or right
Without u i lose my sight
Thank u my glasses
Without u ,the world is no hops no light
Without u t can't go left or right
Without u i lose my sight
Thank u my glasses
AnimalPlanet....
This is not fair! How could u do this? Didn't expect this from you! Got a whole Channel on your name and didn't even tell me?
Animal Planet!
Animal Planet!
Brain Transplant...
If I ever go for a brain transplant I'd like 2 use ur brain. It's not because u r a genius. I would only like a brain that has never been used.
How to ask your Boss for a salary increase?
Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply:
Dear,
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply:
Dear,
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Einstein and Hitler !!!
Teacher:
U idiots! At Your Age, Einstein Ranked First in Class. What about You???
Student:
Sir, At Your Age, Hitler Committed Suicide..! What about You???
U idiots! At Your Age, Einstein Ranked First in Class. What about You???
Student:
Sir, At Your Age, Hitler Committed Suicide..! What about You???
Man and Beggar !!!
Once a man was waiting for a taxi.
A beggar came along and asked him for some money. The man ignored him. But being a professional, the beggar kept on pestering him. The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money.
Suddenly an idea struck him.He told the beggar, "I do not have money, but if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you." "I would have bought a cup of tea", replied the beggar.
The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea". He then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar.
The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to health."
The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the beggar, "Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good".
The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver".
The man smiled again. He told the beggar, "I am going to the race course.Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets. If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone".
As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, "Sorry sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit."
Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked the beggar to come to his home with him. Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least something from the man. But he still had his doubts and asked the man, "Why do you want me to go to your house with you".
The man replied, "My wife always wanted to see how a man with no bad habits looks like ?"
A beggar came along and asked him for some money. The man ignored him. But being a professional, the beggar kept on pestering him. The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money.
Suddenly an idea struck him.He told the beggar, "I do not have money, but if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you." "I would have bought a cup of tea", replied the beggar.
The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea". He then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar.
The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to health."
The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the beggar, "Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good".
The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver".
The man smiled again. He told the beggar, "I am going to the race course.Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets. If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone".
As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, "Sorry sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit."
Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked the beggar to come to his home with him. Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least something from the man. But he still had his doubts and asked the man, "Why do you want me to go to your house with you".
The man replied, "My wife always wanted to see how a man with no bad habits looks like ?"
Birth!!!
A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after
Every 10 sec a
woman gives birth to a kid.
A Sardar stands up- we must find & stop her!.
Every 10 sec a
woman gives birth to a kid.
A Sardar stands up- we must find & stop her!.
Graveyard
Flash news: A 2 seater plane crashed in a graveyard in
punjab . Local
sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are still
digging for more..
punjab . Local
sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are still
digging for more..
Writing
Sardar was writing something very slowly.
Friend asked:" Why r u writing so slowly?
Sardar: "I'm writing to my 6 yr old son, he can't read
very fast.
Friend asked:" Why r u writing so slowly?
Sardar: "I'm writing to my 6 yr old son, he can't read
very fast.
Modern Art
Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible
looking thing is
what you call modern art ?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, thats a mirror!
looking thing is
what you call modern art ?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, thats a mirror!
Last Wish !!!!
Sardar's wish :when i die,i wana die like my grandpa who died
peacefully in his sleep not screamin like all the
passengers in the car he was driving..
peacefully in his sleep not screamin like all the
passengers in the car he was driving..
Post Delivery
Postman:- I Have To Come 5 Miles To Deliver U This Packet
Sardar:- why did u come so far. Instead u could have
posted it....
Sardar:- why did u come so far. Instead u could have
posted it....
Lottery
Sardar wins 20 cr from Rs. 20 lottery ticket. Dealer
gave 11cr after
deducting tax. Angry Sardar: "Give me 20 cr or else
return my 20 Rs back.!
gave 11cr after
deducting tax. Angry Sardar: "Give me 20 cr or else
return my 20 Rs back.!
Salary Expected
Sardarji was filling up application form for a job. He
was not sure as to what to be filled in column "Salary Expected".
After much thought he wrote : Yes!
was not sure as to what to be filled in column "Salary Expected".
After much thought he wrote : Yes!
Father !!!!!
Teacher: How old is ur father.
Sunny:As old as I am.
Teacher:How is it possible?
Sunny:He became father only after I was born. (1st Rank)
Sunny:As old as I am.
Teacher:How is it possible?
Sunny:He became father only after I was born. (1st Rank)
Coincidence !!!!!!
Teacher:"Can anyone give me an example of Coincidence? "
Johnny:"Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day same time."
Johnny:"Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day same time."
Brotherly LOVE
Teacher : Now children , if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him then what virtue would I be showing ?
Student : BROTHERLY LOVE
Student : BROTHERLY LOVE
Maths !!!!!!!
Question:What is the fullform of maths.
Answer: Mentally affected teachers harassing students
Answer: Mentally affected teachers harassing students
Gandhiji
Teacher: What happened in 1869?
Student:Gandhi ji was born.
Teacher :What happened in 1873?
Student:Gandhiji was four years old.
Student:Gandhi ji was born.
Teacher :What happened in 1873?
Student:Gandhiji was four years old.
PM not AM
man asked his wife why Tony goes walking in the Evening and not
in the morning wife replied Tony is PM not AM
in the morning wife replied Tony is PM not AM
Water the Plants...
Man told his servant: "Go and water the plants!"
Servant: "It's already raining."
Man : "So what? Take an umbrella and go."
Servant: "It's already raining."
Man : "So what? Take an umbrella and go."
Future Tense !!!
Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense
Student : The future tense is "u will go to jail"
Student : The future tense is "u will go to jail"
Winning the Cup !!!
Man: Why are all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup
Man - If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup
Man - If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?
Bar and Cell Phone !!!
A man in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and
Says "Hello, how did you know I was here?"
Says "Hello, how did you know I was here?"
Weather Forecast
Once a man was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other.
So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast
announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would
be hot.
So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast
announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would
be hot.
Bean in School !!!!!
How do you recognize Bean in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases
the board
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases
the board
Parking Fine !!!!
A man comes back 2 his car & find a note saying "Parking Fine"
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole "Thanks for complement."
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole "Thanks for complement."
TV News
A man complained to the police: "Sir, all items are missing,
except the TV in my house."
Police: "How the thief did not take TV?"
Man: "I was watching TV news..."
except the TV in my house."
Police: "How the thief did not take TV?"
Man: "I was watching TV news..."
Oh God
Husband : People consider me as a "GOD"
Wife: How do you know??
Husband : When I went to the Park today, everybody said,
Oh GOD! U have come again.
Wife: How do you know??
Husband : When I went to the Park today, everybody said,
Oh GOD! U have come again.
Remarry !!!
Husband: If I die, will u remarry?
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Husband : No, I'll also stay with your sister.
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Husband : No, I'll also stay with your sister.
Dreams
Man: Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Man : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Man : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.
My Son
Man : I am a Proud, coz my son is in Medical College.
Friend: Really, what is he studying.
Man: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.
Friend: Really, what is he studying.
Man: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.
New Mobile
A Man bought a new mobile.
He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said,
"My Mobile No. Has changed.
Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610"
He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said,
"My Mobile No. Has changed.
Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610"
Station !!!!!
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say....
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say....
Y Learn !!!
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.
Succesfull man
Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
Poor Man
If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.
Contractor
Three contractors . . . one from India , another from Germany and the third from England are bidding to repair the White House fence. A senior White House official takes them to examine it.
The English contractor : takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works on some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job will cost $900 . . . $400 for materials, $400 for labour and $100 profit for me."
The German contractor : also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700 . . . $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Indian contractor doesn't measure or do any figuring, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."
The official incredulously says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
"Easy," the Indian explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Germany to do the work!"
Guess who got the contract.... ......... ......... ..!!
******
The English contractor : takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works on some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job will cost $900 . . . $400 for materials, $400 for labour and $100 profit for me."
The German contractor : also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700 . . . $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Indian contractor doesn't measure or do any figuring, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."
The official incredulously says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
"Easy," the Indian explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Germany to do the work!"
Guess who got the contract.... ......... ......... ..!!
******
Don't use mobile inside Toilet
was barely sitting down when i heard a vioce from the other stall saying : "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom But i don't know what got into me, so i answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin just fine!"
And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"
What kind of quesion is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so i say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just travelling!"
At this point im just trying to get out as fast as i can when i hear i hear another question. "Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but i figured i could just be polite and end the conversation. i tell him, "No....... I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then i hear guy say nervously... .
Listen. i'll have to call you back. There's is an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"
Oil
Santa starts shouting in a store...... where is my free gift with this
oil?
Shopkeeper : there is nothing free with this
Santa: it is written CHOLESTROL FREE
oil?
Shopkeeper : there is nothing free with this
Santa: it is written CHOLESTROL FREE
Imagination
INTERVIEW : Imagine, in a closed room , how can you escape if it caught fire?
Santa: Simple, stop imagining
Santa: Simple, stop imagining
Toys
Boy: mom, today my friend is coming over, please hide all the toys
Mom: Why, son? Is your friend a robber.
Boy: No. He will recognize his toys
Mom: Why, son? Is your friend a robber.
Boy: No. He will recognize his toys
Son and Dad
Dad to son: when I beat you how do you control your anger?
Son: I start cleaning toilet
Dad: How does that satisfy you?
Son: I clean it with your toothbrush
Son: I start cleaning toilet
Dad: How does that satisfy you?
Son: I clean it with your toothbrush
Santa and Windows !!!
Santa to salesman : I want a pink curtain for my computer screen.
Salesman: But sir computers dont need curtains.
Santa: Hello.. I got 'Windows' !!
Salesman: But sir computers dont need curtains.
Santa: Hello.. I got 'Windows' !!
Santaa...
1. Santa on cycle hit lady accidently, lady says break nahi mar sakta tha?
Santa : Poori cycle to mar di...ab break alag se maroon kya?
2. Santa standing below a tube light with an open mouth.... WHY?
Because his doctor advised him, aaj light hi khana!!
Santa : Poori cycle to mar di...ab break alag se maroon kya?
2. Santa standing below a tube light with an open mouth.... WHY?
Because his doctor advised him, aaj light hi khana!!
Osama and Amitabh
Osama to Amitab : How are you?
Amitab : Bas Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gam. Aap Kaise Hain?
Osama : Bas Kabhi Goli Kabhi Bomb
Amitab : Bas Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gam. Aap Kaise Hain?
Osama : Bas Kabhi Goli Kabhi Bomb
Funny or Teasing.
A very confusing question whether its Funny or Teasing ?
I feel something which is said or done to provoke laughter or amusement is funny.
Something not said seriously, or not actually meant; something done in sport is funny.
If funny or teasing done in a good sense is is cool Humor.
I m just here to be funny and teasing in a good sense of Humor.
Have Fun ? and i will keep your life sunny with fun , after all Laughter is a BEST MEDICINE.
I feel something which is said or done to provoke laughter or amusement is funny.
Something not said seriously, or not actually meant; something done in sport is funny.
If funny or teasing done in a good sense is is cool Humor.
I m just here to be funny and teasing in a good sense of Humor.
Have Fun ? and i will keep your life sunny with fun , after all Laughter is a BEST MEDICINE.
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