Two lawyers, Jon and Mike, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Mike a $50 bet. Mike agrees and they're off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Mike is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
''Help me find my ball. Look over there,'' he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Mike secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. ''I've found my ball!'' he announces.
''After all of the years we've been partners and playing together," Jon says, "you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?''
''What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!''
''And you're a liar, too!'' Jon says. ''I'll have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!''
Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
Pa Won't Like It ..
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."
Stupidity !!
Q: What is the Extreme height of stupidity?
Answer: Two stupids Sitting in a Auto and fighting for corner seat!!!
Answer: Two stupids Sitting in a Auto and fighting for corner seat!!!
DOCTOR !!
To address an emergency call a doctor came to see a rich patient at his home, who was screaming with extreme stomach pain and was surrounded by many anxious relatives. Doctor kicked all the relatives out of the room, closed the door with patient and he inside.
After a while he came out and asked, "Please give me a scissors." People gave him a stainless steel scissors. He again went inside, closed door and came back soon. He said, "Please give me a hammer." He got one. He repeated the routine of going inside, closing door and then coming back again for a new tool a few times.
He came outside one more time and asked, "Please give me a screw driver." With every of his requests for surgical tools the tension amongst the relatives was mounting high. The oldest son could not hold himself, broke down and lost his patience.
In a crying voice he pleaded, "Doctor please tell us what has happened to our dear Dad. Will he live? Could we open his will?"
The doctor said, "No, I don't know that yet. I am still trying to open my damn bag, I lost the key."
After a while he came out and asked, "Please give me a scissors." People gave him a stainless steel scissors. He again went inside, closed door and came back soon. He said, "Please give me a hammer." He got one. He repeated the routine of going inside, closing door and then coming back again for a new tool a few times.
He came outside one more time and asked, "Please give me a screw driver." With every of his requests for surgical tools the tension amongst the relatives was mounting high. The oldest son could not hold himself, broke down and lost his patience.
In a crying voice he pleaded, "Doctor please tell us what has happened to our dear Dad. Will he live? Could we open his will?"
The doctor said, "No, I don't know that yet. I am still trying to open my damn bag, I lost the key."
Lord and Einstein !!!
Einstein climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord...
"God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
"Einstein asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Einstein asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
Looking up, he asks the Lord...
"God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
"Einstein asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Einstein asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
Doctors and Patients !!
Three Doctors are dicussing which types of patients they prefer.
Doctor Watson says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.''
Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.''
Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable.''
Doctor Watson says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.''
Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.''
Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable.''
Definations
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Definations
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Brain Transplant...
If I ever go for a brain transplant I'd like 2 use ur brain. It's not because u r a genius. I would only like a brain that has never been used.
Man and Beggar !!!
Once a man was waiting for a taxi.
A beggar came along and asked him for some money. The man ignored him. But being a professional, the beggar kept on pestering him. The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money.
Suddenly an idea struck him.He told the beggar, "I do not have money, but if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you." "I would have bought a cup of tea", replied the beggar.
The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea". He then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar.
The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to health."
The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the beggar, "Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good".
The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver".
The man smiled again. He told the beggar, "I am going to the race course.Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets. If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone".
As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, "Sorry sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit."
Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked the beggar to come to his home with him. Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least something from the man. But he still had his doubts and asked the man, "Why do you want me to go to your house with you".
The man replied, "My wife always wanted to see how a man with no bad habits looks like ?"
A beggar came along and asked him for some money. The man ignored him. But being a professional, the beggar kept on pestering him. The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money.
Suddenly an idea struck him.He told the beggar, "I do not have money, but if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you." "I would have bought a cup of tea", replied the beggar.
The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea". He then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar.
The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to health."
The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the beggar, "Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good".
The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver".
The man smiled again. He told the beggar, "I am going to the race course.Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets. If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone".
As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, "Sorry sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit."
Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked the beggar to come to his home with him. Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least something from the man. But he still had his doubts and asked the man, "Why do you want me to go to your house with you".
The man replied, "My wife always wanted to see how a man with no bad habits looks like ?"
Birth!!!
A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after
Every 10 sec a
woman gives birth to a kid.
A Sardar stands up- we must find & stop her!.
Every 10 sec a
woman gives birth to a kid.
A Sardar stands up- we must find & stop her!.
Writing
Sardar was writing something very slowly.
Friend asked:" Why r u writing so slowly?
Sardar: "I'm writing to my 6 yr old son, he can't read
very fast.
Friend asked:" Why r u writing so slowly?
Sardar: "I'm writing to my 6 yr old son, he can't read
very fast.
Modern Art
Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible
looking thing is
what you call modern art ?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, thats a mirror!
looking thing is
what you call modern art ?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, thats a mirror!
Father !!!!!
Teacher: How old is ur father.
Sunny:As old as I am.
Teacher:How is it possible?
Sunny:He became father only after I was born. (1st Rank)
Sunny:As old as I am.
Teacher:How is it possible?
Sunny:He became father only after I was born. (1st Rank)
PM not AM
man asked his wife why Tony goes walking in the Evening and not
in the morning wife replied Tony is PM not AM
in the morning wife replied Tony is PM not AM
Water the Plants...
Man told his servant: "Go and water the plants!"
Servant: "It's already raining."
Man : "So what? Take an umbrella and go."
Servant: "It's already raining."
Man : "So what? Take an umbrella and go."
Future Tense !!!
Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense
Student : The future tense is "u will go to jail"
Student : The future tense is "u will go to jail"
Winning the Cup !!!
Man: Why are all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup
Man - If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup
Man - If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?
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